I Can't Figure Out if You're a Huge Tool or Douche...Wait, You're Both...

I have been putting off my post about douchey license plates but driving to work today galvanized my conviction. I can no longer keep quiet about drivers who think they’re awesome, cute or funny but are really douche-shaped tools.


Dear DECEIVE,

Your Mercedes is kind of awesome (although it’s over a decade old and white) but I am more confused by what you’re trying to convey here with your personalized plate. The word “deceive” isn’t good, no not at all. Not when taking someone out on a first date, not on a job interview at the bank you just applied to, and definitely not when you are picking up your elementary-school-age kids.

To your credit though, you show the world the “i before e except after c” rule.

Dear GOTYAIO,

I had to look up yaio and when I did, I was quite shocked…

Wikipedia says: Yaoi also known as "Boys' Love", is a popular Japanese term for female-oriented fictional media that focus on homoerotic or homoromantic male relationships. It often has scenes of rape and "older" yaoi frequently is described as misogynistic. Super! (that's my commentary, not Wikipedia's).

WHY WOULD YOU PUT THAT ON YOUR CAR? Why would you put that on your car and then drive it to work everyday? All I can imagine is you taking your coworkers out to lunch and then describing Yaoi to them. Yikes-oi! And to answer your question, I don't have any yaoi.

Dear RNMKER and ESQUIRE,

You have nice rides, good for you. I am assuming RNMKER that you are a lawyer or some sort of “Boiler Room” stockbroker but either way, could you be any more douchey? I picture a coked-out Ben Affleck driving this car whenever I see it. Why do you feel the need to advertise that you bring in/close deals ON YOUR CAR? Life isn’t actually “Glengary Glen Ross” though I am sure you’ve memorized Baldwin’s opening monologue…Which brings me to you, ESQUIRE. All I can do is shake my head. If you put “Esq.” after your name, you’re a tool. And trust me I know plenty of successful attorneys who feel the same way. Try HMBLE or HELPFL if you’re trying to make an impression that doesn’t make people want to punch you right in your balls (or ovaries). I don’t discriminate.

Another idea: Instead of paying the extra money per year to self-aggrandize on your vehicle, why don’t you donate to charity? After all, it’s just a car and you’re just a douche. Find another measure of success.