Monday, September 27, 2010

All Roads Lead to Jimmy Choo...

All roads lead to Jimmy Choo...and that's why I get out of the car early. That shit is expensive and I am just a lowly blogger. However, a lack of money to burn doesn't negate my need for simple, cute "bridal-ish" wedding flats.

Some backstory: these are my wedding heels:

Nine West Janika in turquoise - - $76

They're hot, right? Too bad I can't wear them when I get married. I am TOO TALL JONES! Matt is about 1/2" shorter than I am which leaves me no room for lift, and even though I consider myself a modern woman, I refuse to tower over my groom. Here's my backup:

Havaianas Slim Peacock - $24 - - I got mine on eBay ;)

Cute, right?? I have peacock feathers in my bouquet so these are a nod to my style, which my florist described as "really natural with a little funk". We'll see if that's a good thing or a bad thing...

Here's my problem: flip flops are okay for dancing and running around during the reception, but what am I to get married in? My officiant pointed out that I don't want to "flip-flop, flip-flop" down the aisle and he shot down my brilliant idea to get married barefoot by simply saying, "Oh yes, there's nothing hotter than a bride with dirty feet."

With two weeks to go, I was determined to find something...

Yet, another shoe-block - I am a size 10.5 to 11. Yep, sucks for me! Most brands don't make half-sizes above 10, and good luck finding 11's that are cute. But I was DETERMINED! And I think I've succeeded. Here's what I found out:


Jellies were around when I was 6-8, 13-15 and again, now. In all honesty, I don't have my finger on the pulse of the fashion industry because -  a) I don't have money for that, and b) I don't have time for that - but in my quest for cute flats I was forced to browse online for at least three torture-filled hours.

Matt helped me pick out these jelly flats:

Chinese Laundry Sweet Revenge Jelly Flats - $44.06 -

I had to get a size 10 and by all reviews online they run big, so I might be safe. They shipped the day after I purchased them so we shall see soon enough! I was upset at having to pay nearly $50 for plastic shoes though....

BUT, I also found these designers doing studded/rhinestone jelly flats and was even more shocked by the prices:

Michael Kors Studded jelly flats - $50 - eBay

Stuart Weitzman - reg. $158/sale $95 -

I wondered where this all started and I found out soon enough...

Jimmy Choo, you bastard. These retail at $235 (or used to, I couldn't find them for sale any longer). I found these on a blog called In Their

For $235, those better be gold-plated studs with flecks of gold in the plastic.

I think my shoe shopping is complete. All-in-all I spent about $150 bones on wedding shoes which I think is pretty good. Though, I went a little crazy on the wedding rehearsal dress...I love Free People.

Free People -

Friday, September 24, 2010

You think you have HR problems?

Try being a butcher...

“I just asked a customer to leave and she was not too pleased about it. She had shopped here earlier and bought a chicken from the meat department, where she was assured that all our chickens are hens, not roosters. She came back around 9 pm because she was certain she had been sold a rooster. She was arguing with the meat managers and generally pitching a fit to the extent that they called me in.

She said she could tell it was a rooster by putting her hand inside the chicken’s cavity and was convinced that she had felt (in a hushed tone) testicles. Now, I do not know how to sex a chicken, but I have been told by our team members that we only carry hens. I offered her a refund, but she did not want this.

Instead, she wanted to stick her hand in all of our chickens to feel if they were hens or roosters. I told her I couldn't let her do that.

She called her daughter who pretty much repeated exactly what she had already said. This whole thing went on for about 5 minutes going round and round. I told her that she was going to have to take a refund or leave. As she continued to argue with me I walked her up to the customer service booth. As we gave her a refund she kept at me. I told her that she could go buy another chicken and leave, but she kept arguing with me. So then I told her she had to leave. She yelled and screamed as we slowly ushered her out the door. She continued to argue with James until I asked him to please walk away from her so she would stop yelling.”

Good times!

By the way, the Internet (are we still capitalizing that?) Anyway, it's not helpful if you want to learn "how to sex" a chicken...just how to have sex with a chicken, which is foul. (I was sooo tempted to put "fowl")

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Not your typical burger and fries.

On Sundays we are usually able to cook together, often with yummy results. Tonight was one of those nights.

It all started with the two sweet potatoes we had sitting in our fruit basket. Typically they would be sliced, tossed in olive oil, s&p and then baked for about ten minutes. However, I was feeling adventurous and tonight my adventure was called "South African sweet potato fritters". I usually have an idea of the flavors I want and Matt will then tell me which foods will supply those flavors...

This led to....lamburgers...2/3 ground beef to 1/3 lamb. SP Fritters. Green beans. Go!

First, some spices...and yes, we do own *a* spice and many spices that necessitate an entire rack...

Here it is. The rack I purchased online and the little bottles I got at IKEA for about $1.50 each. Love it when ess comes together...And those little birdy s&p shakers are from Target. They're cute and functional.

The burgers got a heaping helping of chopped onions, garlic powder, paprika, red chili flakes, s&p and cumin.

I incorporated s&p, chili powder, cayenne pepper and garlic salt into the fritter batter (along with one egg and 1/2 c. flour per 1lb. of potatoes).

 Now let's fry some fritters....

Okay, so the fritter batter was not appetizing but that ugly duckling turned into a crispy, fried swan....they were sweet with a nice, smoky and spicy finish...but all together....



And if you don't partake of alcoholic beverages, here' is a "culinary" beverage to try:


 It's basically a kitchen sink drink made with black tea, white tea, green tea, fruit juices and more than 50 herbs and spices...? Matt and I picked up on the ginger, lemongrass and tannins from the tea. Very refreshing. And "culinary" just means that it's expensive. But that's okay, we're sick of cider.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Uncovering a dark part of my past I forgot existed...

My cat Stud is very needy. He's like a jittery, neurotic 60-year old man with abandonment issues. This isn't a recent development, he's always been that way. He just needs to be touched by a human at all times and not just ME, any human...even you would do.

Stud turned 10 this year and has lived in 10 different places with me; so despite his need for human contact, he's resiliant, strong and adaptable.

As I said earlier, I have been looking through old photos my wedding slideshow, and I stubmbled across this:

And no, this wasn't in Stud's gangster phase. As you can tell by his face he's thinking, "oh my effiing god, how much more of this ess do I have to put up with?"

But he would never bite or scratch; it's just not in his nature. He didn't bite or scratch when I dressed him up as a pumpkin for Halloween to match my costume, or even when my roomie clipped away parts of his fur to give him polka dots...

He didn't even bite or scratch when we did this...

I know it just looks like he's playing in this photo but notice that he has an orange-ish streak running down his head. How did it get there? I think we bleached it!!!

I had "Rogue" (from X-men) streaks in my hair in college (I know I am totally awesome) but I completely forgot that we - and yes I am totally implicating my roommates here - bleached Stud!

I am seriously shocked. I would NEVER EVER do this now and would give a verbal lashing to whomever would do something like this....I am still coming to grips with it.

I did a lot of things in college I regret, but at least they weren't all caught on film. Bleaching Stud's fur didn't cause him any visible discomfort but he had to walk around outside like that! Can you imagine the insults the other cats threw his way...I just hope he wasn't chased relentlessly by a horny skunk.

Upon surfacing this photo I cuddled Stud and said I was sorry for being such an immature moron. I gave him a can of wet food - which is a big treat around here - and promised to never humiliate him again.

Don't bleach your pets. It's mean. Lesson learned.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

The Ugly Bug Ball (I am totally burying the lead on this one)

Thanks so much for the help on my mystery bug. I never got a response from a website that I USED TO list on the blog but I did get a response, and it was very friendly, from which is now a reliable source for all of my bug identification needs...

Anyway, that critter is (actually was) a SNAKEFLY larva as represented below...

It was a baby one of these.

Okay, it wasn't really like that but it was going to grow up to be one of those in my imagination and that was enough for me to banish it. It's really going to look like this when it grows up:

I think this bug is actually very cute. It's like a little dinosaur...rar!

Matt says it's an "effing god-awful ugly bug" so obviously he didn't watch enough of Burl Ives singing in "Summer Magic" growing up. I loved that one.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Save the Whales…Just Keep Them Away From Me!

I have a fear of whales.

“Fear of” as in it’s hard for me to look at pictures of them. Especially those cetacean charts where they’re all lined up by size.

Obviously this shouldn’t affect my daily life, and it hadn’t until now. I opened up to a couple people about my “cetaphobia” and the reactions varied from “You? You love all animals…why whales?” which I categorized as shock laced with sadness, to sheer glee at the prospect of exploiting a perceived weakness.

Either way, I took it upon myself to eradicate this phobia a) because it’s really pathetic and b) people kept sending me pictures of open-mouthed orcas. My friend Jaimie helped me figure out WHICH whales I am most afraid of.

Me: I am okay with humpbacks, um bowheads, and blue whales but I am terrified of orcas and minke whales…oh and some porpoises and pilot whales…and sperm whales!

Jaimie: I didn’t even know there were that many kinds of whales. What the heck is a minke whale?

Me: It’s a smaller kind of whale, like 30 feet or so I think. They’re really fast, one of the fastest. I think that’s why they’re scary. Dart-shaped…

Jaimie: But you aren’t afraid of humpback whales?

Me: No, because they’re so big; if I were in the water with them I would be petrified but I can watch those on television but not the others – they’re shiny and really fast.

Jaimie: How do you feel at Sea World?

Me: I can totally do that, it’s mostly pictures where they’re coming at you with their mouths open and the thought of being near them in the wild that’s so scary.

Since I narrowed it down, I decided to confront my fear. How did I do this? I decided to visit and there I figured I could see whales in a way that was helpful since Sea Shepherd’s are dedicated to saving them. I did and I do not recommend going on YouTube after that for “more research” then watching whales in Denmark, or dolphins in Japan being slaughtered…can’t believe that shit still happens. If you care, visit – and I hope you care.

However, I did see some whales and desensitized myself. Then a coworker sent me the story of the orca that killed a woman at Sea World back in February. I started looking at pictures of her with the whale “Tilikum” and I was like, “Okay, she’s standing on his nose. There she is kissing his tongue (dis-gusting). Okay, she’s lying on top of him. This is getting weirder.”

I wanted to look more into this Tilikum whale to find out how he got mixed up in people-killing. Although, standing on my nose six times a day for years on end would piss me off too. On CBS News I came across THIS:

Tilikum was known to be a difficult animal. Only about a dozen of the SeaWorld's 29 trainers worked with him. [He] was involved in two previous deaths and was one of three animals involved in the 1991 death of a trainer. And in 1999, a homeless man's body was found draped over Tilikum. That man died of hypothermia. It's not clear if Tilikum contributed to his demise.

Despite obvious jokes about this being a “Killer Whale” I thought the language of the article was odd. It was like reading a rap sheet as if the whale were a person. He’s “difficult” and was “involved in two previous deaths” and we’re not sure if he “contributed to [homeless dude’s] demise”. Now, it’s crazy odd that a man was sprawled naked over the whale; I am imaginative but am at a loss to figure that out…I think the bottom line is “IT’S A WHALE”. Do you see what these things do to seals in the wild??? And even if they’re primarily the fish-eating kind, they are still capable – take Tilikum who can now tattoo three teardrops on his face. The answer about the motivations of this animal are that it’s an ANIMAL.

This has been an interesting journey for me. What started as confronting a fear turned into research and a newly developed belief that boycotting Sea World and other dolphin-ariums is the only fair and safe way we should be spending time with these creatures – in the wild and FAR AWAY from me and you.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Seriously WTF is that?

I found this on my carpet a while back and I have been researching endlessly since then to find out just what kind of long-bodied freakish bug was brave enough to drag its bloated (but nicely decorated) abdomen across my floor (a.k.a. trespass). I only found it thanks to Beans who I am sure would have swallowed it had I not noticed her batting at the carpet like a moron.

I have emailed but probably won't hear back; Bugman is very busy id-ing more exotic species, I am sure. Nevertheless, I implore my blog readers to ask anyone they know to help me find out what this is!!! I suspect termite or ant, but haven't found any proof. Btw, this thing was about 1" long.

And yeah, I know it's gross. That's why it's dead.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

This Just Isn't Safe OR Shit That Just Doesn't Happen After 1991

I am putting together photos to make a slideshow for my wedding/rehearsal dinner (coming up in October y'all) and my mom sent me this:

I have yet to find out where and why this was taken, but it can't be safe. My sister there on the left is so close to that bear's paw and I am wearing my distraught face. I know the bear is muzzled but last time I checked, these superpreadators don't kill with sole use of their mouth....

Another disturbing find is that my mom dressed us in matching Osh Kosh B'gosh overalls with no shirts underneath. I tried rocking that look recently and it didn't go over well...

I am going to file this under "S" for "Shit That Just Doesn't Happen After 1991"

P.S. If you have any photos like this, feel free to pass them along to me. I won't publish them without permission, I just want to see other childhoods like mine.

P.P.S. If you use this photo without my permission at any time, I will hunt you down and kill you like a bear. Also, it's copyrighted...