Sunday, March 20, 2011

Why do I want to put hand-sanitzer in ______?

This is something that happened while at my old job, which reminds me...I forgot to tell you I started a new job which is why I've been silent. Since new job actually requires me to be present, I may be posting less. Wish me luck!

As I was waiting in line for my overly-mayo'd sandwich, I started to zone out. When I zone it looks like I'm staring. In the past, many-o-men have thought I was into them because of this unfortunate trait and now it just pisses my husband off...

Again, as I was standing in the cafeteria line, draped over a high counter, an impulse popped into my head: Put hand sanitizer into your eye.

Wait! What? No! That would really, really hurt. Isn't that like pure alcohol? Ack, I am disgusted by this suggestion.

Yeah, put some hand sanitizer into your eye. Go ahead, take some. It's right there. See it.
I did see it. And I have to tell you, it's not like I actually hear voices - it's that thinking thing you do in your head that doesn't make any noise.

I silently pondered my level of craziness and started looking around for clues. Why, oh why subconscious do you torture me??? And then I saw it: "Iris" brand hand sanitizer.

I thought, "That's not a good name, it's totally suggesting I put that all over my iris. puh. may as well have named it pupil. oh wait, maybe it's after the flower. but no, that's dumb because how appealing is a sanitized flower? they need to rethink they're branding."

These are the kind of wacky associations my brain makes daily. You know what they say about idle synapses...

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

And that’s how I forgot ALL ABOUT whoever it was that hurt my feelings…

I like to think of myself as a pretty tough chick…that hates confrontation. Say something mean to me and chances are I will be shocked (Whyyyyyyy?!?! Why would you say that to meeeee?) but will continue to smile serenely and seethe inside. I know, it’s healthy.

The next part is the best part because usually one day to three weeks later, I will have a conversation with you, but you won’t be there. I will be there and my mirror will be there but not you. I hope you enjoy hearing what I think of your comment and/or outrageous behavior while I curl my hair or put on eyeliner because that’s when I feel most comfortable addressing your actions and their effect on me.

And that’s exactly what I was doing this morning when I let it slip. The confrontation doesn’t always happen in my head…sometimes a really great one-liner slips out. It’s like a jab. BOOM! If the person I am fictionally confronting were in front of me at that moment, they would be awe-struck, speechless! I feel righteous and oh so, so smart.

This morning I happened to say my perfect shame-inducing comeback out loud and then realized. “Oh shit. Matt is sleeping and the door is cracked! He may have heard me.” Shhhhhhiiiitttt. I said that last part out loud too.

“What do I do, what do I do?” I thought as I looked around. My cats must have sensed my panic because they suddenly moved, and like a T-Rex, my eyes darted and then fixated on them.

“That’s it! I was talking to the cats! They are always bothering me in the morning, it’s perfectly plausible!”

During this “aha! moment”, they looked up at me confused (slightly more than normal) and innocent. Their wide eyes and precious faces make me regain (editors note: this is iffy) sanity, “I can’t believe that just happened. And Matt didn’t even hear me. That was close!”

And that’s how I forgot ALL ABOUT whoever it was that hurt my feelings.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Exactly the type of CraigsList ad I love to flag...


Date: 2011-02-16, 2:30PM PST
Reply to: [Errors when replying to ads?]

•it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Blogger's Note: Apparently, CraigsList doesn't allow people to sell their dogs on the site, which is a good way to stop puppy mills so good on yah CraigsList! The Rescue Groups have taken over and this person is getting a heaping helping of it...or it would seem, anyway.
And no, there is nothing wrong with wanting a full-breed dog. That's why there are registered breeders...
Dogs do not equal shit you sell on CL to make money.

PostingID: 2218334945

Monday, February 14, 2011

Unidentified Member...

So my last blog post was about my favorite shows’ best moments and now one of those moments has collided with our actual lives!

It all started yesterday when Matt decided to cut through a gas station to avoid traffic (tsk, tsk Matt). He saw a cop and decided that his idea was no longer a good one and parked to avoid a ticket. Since he was parked, he decided to go into the store and pick me up a treat, which I was pretty stoked about later when he presented me with this:

Lucky Charms Cereal Bar...So good...but keep reading...

Anyway, he saw a green truck that piqued his interest and the bald guy with sunglasses who got out of that truck did so even more. Matt walked right up to him and said:

Matt: Hey, are you a game warden?
Warden: Yes, I am.
Matt: You’re on that show! (Wild Justice)
Warden: Yep.
Matt: Awesome. Well, I don’t usually get star struck but my wife and I love your show and really appreciate everything you guys do.
Warden: Thanks, man.
Matt: No, problem. HEY! Did you ever identify that penis?!

If you haven’t read my last blog: Beef Tongue! Tout Suite!, you won’t understand that final question. But, to my loyal readers (if I have any), the answer is: deer.



Friday, February 11, 2011

Beef Tongue! Tout Suite!

One thing that made the sting of returning from Maui more bearable was opening up my DVR and seeing what we snagged. Our queue looked something like this:

Dog Whisperer (18)
Wild Justice (14)
American Idol (4)
Glee (3)

Since I've been back to enjoying my shows I thought I would dedicate this blog to some of my favorite moments.

1. Puck from Glee saying, "Get back on the field, tout suite!"

I wasn't sure if everyone caught this but hearing a jock yell a French phrase to motivate the football players was funny. I can just imagine people saying to themselves, "What the hell is toot sweet?"
If you don't know Puck, here are some pictures:

The first one is normal. The second one is awesome and I found it here.

2. Unidentified Penis on Wild Justice

Nat Geo describes this series as following the lives of California’s Game Wardens, on call 24/7, as they defend against human threats to the environment, endangered wildlife, and the cultivation of illegal drugs. 
This show is pretty good. They caught one guy who allegedly "screwed" a dead wild hog (yeah, that's fucked up) and poached a prize elk. They are constantly busting tweakers with guns (thanks for that) and one bad-ass warden strapped bear feet to *his own* feet to walk around and throw off tracking dogs ultimately leading gall bladder bear poachers right into his path. Seems like a fun job; I would like it except for the tweakers part. Those fuckers make ME jumpy.

With all of those awesome situations, it is hard to pick my favorite but it has to be when all the wardens got together in San Francisco's China Town to bust shops selling illegal animal parts. They found a great deal of trafficked pieces but the best was the "unidentified penis". No one seemed to know what kind of animal originated the 7" long dehydrated penis and seeing the officer carry it down the bustling street between his thumb and forefinger was fantastic. Even more captivating was the warden who described deer, bear and tiger penises and why this could not possibly be a penis of those species. They had to take it to the lab.

Also, these guys rock. Who WOULDN'T want to watch a show featuring that guy?

3. Beef Tongue song

HUGE Top Chef fan. I've seen all but the first season. Matt and I must have something prepared and ready-to-eat before we sit down to watch otherwise we start drooling and it gets very ugly.

Besides Fabio being our all-time favorite (we seriously want to kick it with that guy), we enjoyed the clip below from the All-Stars episode. Enjoy....tout suite! It's catchy and may get stuck in your head...

Beef Tongue Song