Sunday, March 20, 2011

Why do I want to put hand-sanitzer in ______?

This is something that happened while at my old job, which reminds me...I forgot to tell you I started a new job which is why I've been silent. Since new job actually requires me to be present, I may be posting less. Wish me luck!

As I was waiting in line for my overly-mayo'd sandwich, I started to zone out. When I zone it looks like I'm staring. In the past, many-o-men have thought I was into them because of this unfortunate trait and now it just pisses my husband off...

Again, as I was standing in the cafeteria line, draped over a high counter, an impulse popped into my head: Put hand sanitizer into your eye.

Wait! What? No! That would really, really hurt. Isn't that like pure alcohol? Ack, I am disgusted by this suggestion.

Yeah, put some hand sanitizer into your eye. Go ahead, take some. It's right there. See it.
I did see it. And I have to tell you, it's not like I actually hear voices - it's that thinking thing you do in your head that doesn't make any noise.

I silently pondered my level of craziness and started looking around for clues. Why, oh why subconscious do you torture me??? And then I saw it: "Iris" brand hand sanitizer.

I thought, "That's not a good name, it's totally suggesting I put that all over my iris. puh. may as well have named it pupil. oh wait, maybe it's after the flower. but no, that's dumb because how appealing is a sanitized flower? they need to rethink they're branding."

These are the kind of wacky associations my brain makes daily. You know what they say about idle synapses...

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

And that’s how I forgot ALL ABOUT whoever it was that hurt my feelings…

I like to think of myself as a pretty tough chick…that hates confrontation. Say something mean to me and chances are I will be shocked (Whyyyyyyy?!?! Why would you say that to meeeee?) but will continue to smile serenely and seethe inside. I know, it’s healthy.

The next part is the best part because usually one day to three weeks later, I will have a conversation with you, but you won’t be there. I will be there and my mirror will be there but not you. I hope you enjoy hearing what I think of your comment and/or outrageous behavior while I curl my hair or put on eyeliner because that’s when I feel most comfortable addressing your actions and their effect on me.

And that’s exactly what I was doing this morning when I let it slip. The confrontation doesn’t always happen in my head…sometimes a really great one-liner slips out. It’s like a jab. BOOM! If the person I am fictionally confronting were in front of me at that moment, they would be awe-struck, speechless! I feel righteous and oh so, so smart.

This morning I happened to say my perfect shame-inducing comeback out loud and then realized. “Oh shit. Matt is sleeping and the door is cracked! He may have heard me.” Shhhhhhiiiitttt. I said that last part out loud too.

“What do I do, what do I do?” I thought as I looked around. My cats must have sensed my panic because they suddenly moved, and like a T-Rex, my eyes darted and then fixated on them.

“That’s it! I was talking to the cats! They are always bothering me in the morning, it’s perfectly plausible!”

During this “aha! moment”, they looked up at me confused (slightly more than normal) and innocent. Their wide eyes and precious faces make me regain (editors note: this is iffy) sanity, “I can’t believe that just happened. And Matt didn’t even hear me. That was close!”

And that’s how I forgot ALL ABOUT whoever it was that hurt my feelings.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Exactly the type of CraigsList ad I love to flag...


Date: 2011-02-16, 2:30PM PST
Reply to: [Errors when replying to ads?]

•it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Blogger's Note: Apparently, CraigsList doesn't allow people to sell their dogs on the site, which is a good way to stop puppy mills so good on yah CraigsList! The Rescue Groups have taken over and this person is getting a heaping helping of it...or it would seem, anyway.
And no, there is nothing wrong with wanting a full-breed dog. That's why there are registered breeders...
Dogs do not equal shit you sell on CL to make money.

PostingID: 2218334945

Monday, February 14, 2011

Unidentified Member...

So my last blog post was about my favorite shows’ best moments and now one of those moments has collided with our actual lives!

It all started yesterday when Matt decided to cut through a gas station to avoid traffic (tsk, tsk Matt). He saw a cop and decided that his idea was no longer a good one and parked to avoid a ticket. Since he was parked, he decided to go into the store and pick me up a treat, which I was pretty stoked about later when he presented me with this:

Lucky Charms Cereal Bar...So good...but keep reading...

Anyway, he saw a green truck that piqued his interest and the bald guy with sunglasses who got out of that truck did so even more. Matt walked right up to him and said:

Matt: Hey, are you a game warden?
Warden: Yes, I am.
Matt: You’re on that show! (Wild Justice)
Warden: Yep.
Matt: Awesome. Well, I don’t usually get star struck but my wife and I love your show and really appreciate everything you guys do.
Warden: Thanks, man.
Matt: No, problem. HEY! Did you ever identify that penis?!

If you haven’t read my last blog: Beef Tongue! Tout Suite!, you won’t understand that final question. But, to my loyal readers (if I have any), the answer is: deer.



Friday, February 11, 2011

Beef Tongue! Tout Suite!

One thing that made the sting of returning from Maui more bearable was opening up my DVR and seeing what we snagged. Our queue looked something like this:

Dog Whisperer (18)
Wild Justice (14)
American Idol (4)
Glee (3)

Since I've been back to enjoying my shows I thought I would dedicate this blog to some of my favorite moments.

1. Puck from Glee saying, "Get back on the field, tout suite!"

I wasn't sure if everyone caught this but hearing a jock yell a French phrase to motivate the football players was funny. I can just imagine people saying to themselves, "What the hell is toot sweet?"
If you don't know Puck, here are some pictures:

The first one is normal. The second one is awesome and I found it here.

2. Unidentified Penis on Wild Justice

Nat Geo describes this series as following the lives of California’s Game Wardens, on call 24/7, as they defend against human threats to the environment, endangered wildlife, and the cultivation of illegal drugs. 
This show is pretty good. They caught one guy who allegedly "screwed" a dead wild hog (yeah, that's fucked up) and poached a prize elk. They are constantly busting tweakers with guns (thanks for that) and one bad-ass warden strapped bear feet to *his own* feet to walk around and throw off tracking dogs ultimately leading gall bladder bear poachers right into his path. Seems like a fun job; I would like it except for the tweakers part. Those fuckers make ME jumpy.

With all of those awesome situations, it is hard to pick my favorite but it has to be when all the wardens got together in San Francisco's China Town to bust shops selling illegal animal parts. They found a great deal of trafficked pieces but the best was the "unidentified penis". No one seemed to know what kind of animal originated the 7" long dehydrated penis and seeing the officer carry it down the bustling street between his thumb and forefinger was fantastic. Even more captivating was the warden who described deer, bear and tiger penises and why this could not possibly be a penis of those species. They had to take it to the lab.

Also, these guys rock. Who WOULDN'T want to watch a show featuring that guy?

3. Beef Tongue song

HUGE Top Chef fan. I've seen all but the first season. Matt and I must have something prepared and ready-to-eat before we sit down to watch otherwise we start drooling and it gets very ugly.

Besides Fabio being our all-time favorite (we seriously want to kick it with that guy), we enjoyed the clip below from the All-Stars episode. Enjoy....tout suite! It's catchy and may get stuck in your head...

Beef Tongue Song

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

One email you certainly don't want from your boss's boss...

Subject: fyi

Just so you know when you said “this was the biggest waste of time and I’m glad I’m on mute or I would be fired” guess what you weren’t on mute….

Blog note: This wasn't from my work but it still made me squirm inside. All I have to say is you're in some hot shit, buddy.

Monday, January 31, 2011

My computer is broken so I am writing you this post from the next cube over...

It’s the last day of work before vacation. I will be in Maui in fewer than 24 hours (if the plane doesn’t crash…if it does, this will be awkward) and I figured my last day of work before I leave would be a piece of cake. The Universe mixed up my hopes again with what would be the most annoying thing and I got to work to find the Blue Screen of Death.

I immediately dial the IT guy. “Um, turn it off then back on.” Alrighty, thanks. (I had already done that.)

Aside: I repressed the urge to say, “Um, are you going to fucking fix it or not?” and settled on “alrighty, thanks”.

This time it booted up but the fan is going so haywire that it sounds like it’s a) going to fly away or b) explode.

After 2 hours, we finally got it working…

I went home for lunch and came back and my computer was off…again. A coworker turned it off because it was making the scary noises. I booted up again and it’s been “loading [my] personal settings” for about 2 hours.

Thank you for letting me vent. I will sit in quiet reflection of your sacrifice in Maui…tomorrow.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Should I Work for Free....?

This was passed along to me by a co-worker. I LOVE flow charts. Click the link, I promise it's safe...

Monday, January 24, 2011

The only “totes” I need to speak of are bags…

I am sad to report, I can’t stop saying “totes”, “abso” and “obvi” (translations: totally, absolutely and obvious). I was an English major but clearly (obvi), I am powerless against e-slang…omg, I just did it again…and again. I think it’s contagious/viral …yikes. Oh well, at least I will mortify my 16-year old brother around his friends. See, knowing these kinds of things is useful afterall!
I would love to see the OED 200 years from now for“totes” :

total (adj.) late 14c., from O.Fr. total, from M.L. totalis "entire, total" (as in summa totalis "sum total"), from L. totus "all, whole, entire," of unknown origin. The noun is 1550s, from the adj.; the verb is 1716, from the noun; meaning "to destroy one's car" first recorded 1954. Total war is attested from 1937, in ref. to a concept developed in Germany.
tote "to carry," 1670s, of unknown origin; originally attested in Virginia, but OED discounts the popular theory of its origin in a W.African language (cf. Kikongo tota "pick up," Kimbundu tuta "carry, load," related to Swahili tuta "pile up, carry"). Tote bag is first recorded 1900.
totes (pl.) plural of tote bag; “bag” being dropped first recorded in 1910; “totes” (short for totally) first recorded in 2003 on by user “Jenn”.

The above (with the exception of what I obvi added) was taken directly from <---- go there.

Friday, January 7, 2011

This doesn't mean I don't *believe* in the Internet...

I am being stalked…this isn’t the first time, but I find it to be more annoying than scary. My stalker – Tom’s Shoes Banner Ads!

I thought, “I might like a pair of Tom’s Shoes” the other day and that’s when it started. I innocently Googled them then went to the official website to buy. (By the way, they’re like $9 for shipping – such a rip).

I like the concept of “One for One” and the shoes seem comfy. I then went to and took a peek; turns out they were slightly cheaper and there’s a store near me so I closed the browser and ended my pursuit of shoes…

Then, it started happening…I noticed it but thought it just might be a coincidence but then how could it be? How could it be? It seemed like almost every website I visited was postered with Tom’s Shoes ads! I thought, “How can Tom afford this sophisticated level of targeted advertising? Isn’t he just busy with children in developing countries giving away extra shoes?” Apparently not. Tom’s Shoes is a fucking machine!

Now I know the Internet is a made of magic and I’ll never fully understand how it all works, but I am creeped out simply by the scope of the thing! And no, I don’t want you explain it to me. Seriously. So don’t.

I just like imagine little invisible spies that can fly and report back to Internet Headquarters…which is kind of like the Emerald City but in pastels, not jewel tones, and the Easter Bunny is Oz except he’s like legit but not like a “person” rabbit, just a giant, doe-eyed rabbit that is terribly effective when it comes to marketing stratagem.

Here’s a sampling of what I’ve endured:

Websites visited and reason (for fun):

OMG! – I wanted to read all about Mila Kunis and Macaulay Culkin’s breakup; actually I didn't even know they were together...eeps.
National Geographic – Getting a subscription for my Papa for Christmas
Ellen Degeneres’ Show – Writing her to help stop slaughter of dolphins in Taiji, Japan – Reading about a new kind of dog collar – I don’t know how, but it popped up in my browser (Easter Bunny! shaking fist) – Learn about recent Court action on Proposition HATE

I went to Nordies and got them anyway. I’m not scared of you, Easter Bunny OR Tom! To my readers: I’m weak, don’t hate me! Editor's Note: Since I started drafting this, the ads have suddenly disappeard...spooky.

Beans says: "What's in the box? What's in the box?" like Brad Pitt in Seven.