Getting married was fabulous and I feel I should write a lot about that but I really don't want to. They're my memories and I shall release them to you once I've used them all up...I hope you like wedding scraps! Yum yum.
There were several funny moments over the past three weeks but the best/worst examples have been these really awe-inspiring moments from the elderly:
The night of my rehearsal dinner, we met my family at the fabulous hotel where we all stayed. I would mention the name, but they don't pay me. If you're curious, it rhymes with Cherry-Ott. I was hugging my brother at the reception desk to say goodnight and he's 16 so he was all awkward and not really wanting to hug me, but I enjoy forced, uncomfortable affection so we were hugging and I heard him say, "Oh hey, we gotta move". I let go and turned to face the way he had been facing.
An old man, and I mean really ancient, was being pushed in a wheelchair by the bellboy straight at us. He had a shiny wooden cane across his lap and he was wearing khaki pants, a blue blazer and an ascot. If I'm not mistaken, you shouldn't wear ascots after Labor Day but I'm no fashionista. Anyway, he yells out (quite aggressively) "Too bad you're not French!"
We were stunned and then we all did what we do when we feel awkward and my whole family started laughing hysterically. That guy is like my blue caterpillar because he was really rude I still don't know what the fuck he was talking about. I keep thinking, "Too bad you're not French!" which isn't a good comeback but how can I reply when I don't even know what you mean?
To the sky....
Airplane rides sure are fun, right? We were on the last leg of our trip and I let my new husband choose his seat by the window which left me in the aisle next to a slight older woman in a dark teal velour tracksuit. I thought, "This shouldn't be that bad" but boy was I wrong. And then I realized something...
Sometimes I assign old people manners they don't have because I was always taught to "respect and be polite to your elders". I've since learned that some old people are assholes, some are idiots and others are perverts. Long gone are the days when I've looked up to ALL older folks as wise, living peacefully in their waning golden years, moving back and forth in their rocking chairs in happy reflection. It's like when you realize as a kid that some adults aren't right all the time...
Anyhow, velour tracksuit with her crime novel and damp tissue was taking up BOTH armrests, forcing me to lean on my husband to my right. Not only was she on my armrest, she was leaning over it, into my seat space. I was like, "are you serious...look at her, Matt!" He just laughed and asked if I wanted him to say something. "NO, I don't want you to say anything; she's an old woman. What kind of a monster are you?" I am not sure how much of our whispering she heard but that plane ride (only 50 minutes) was really uncomfortable.
I tried everything to get her pointy elbow away from me. I kept glancing down in rage and wondering why the hell she wasn't leaning over into the aisle...that's the good thing about an aisle seat!!!! I held my National Geographic close to my face (elbows up) and waited for her to get lazy. I hoped she would fall asleep or reach for something under the seat in front of her. Finally, she did shift and I put my elbow where hers had been and you know what she did??? She put her elbow ON mine. In the end she won because I wasn't going to cause a scene with the old blue hair and she ruined my flight...damn teal velour tracksuit.
I plan on being my idealized version of an old person when I get to that age. I will force my body to shrink and wear my housecoat and slippers out. I am going to give gross, wet kisses to little kids and carry around hard candy in my pockets, wrapped in old Kleenex. I will say things that don't make sense, but not mean things and definitely not as I am cruising by in my wheelchair. Everyone will get between two and five crisp dollar bills for their birthday in a card with a happy puppy on it. I am going to slather my body up with Ponds Cold Cream and use Vaseline as Chapstick and I will be a SWEET AND THOUGHTFUL OLD PERSON! Damn it.