Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Spiders Have "Pros"

Why is this okay with me?

Yep, that tarantula is chillin’ on my hands…

But this is not?

Evil death-seeking spider chillin’ on my ceiling.

First, some background:

That tarantula was purchased by me as a gift for someone who really, really wanted a tarantula. (Yeah, I don’t get it either). Anyway, I wasn’t drinking so I don’t know exactly what inspired that photo-documented act of bravery above.

Things I know about that tarantula: Chilean rose, probably female, venomous but not deadly, probably won’t bite…unless you mess with her then she has every right to sink her shiny, toxin-filled fangs into you. Oh yea, she also can shake her bulbous abdomen and release crazy sharp hairs that will stick in your skin and cause inflammation. Great pet, huh?

Things I know about that super-scary spider on my ceiling: Not a whole lot, except it probably doesn’t build a web and I won’t be getting within ten feet of it (or however tall my ceiling is). Oh yeah, that reminds me, I should probably give my fiancé photo credit. Thanks, babe.

Since I can’t provide an answer to my quandary, I will do what I usually do in such cases.

Enter: Pro and Con List

Tarantula (Pros):

1. You were bred to be a pet so even though it is ignorant to anthropomorphize a spider, I’ve tricked myself into thinking you like, and therefore will not injure me. Also, I've explicity asked you not to.

2. You have a furry appearance and I like furry things because they're more often than not, soft and cuddly.

3. I was showing you off to a child and my instinct to look cool to a 6-year old somehow overpowered my suppressed fear that you would jump onto my face and drain all of the white stuff from my eyeballs.

4. You’re relatively slow moving, therefore easy to track.

Tarantula (Cons):

1. You’re big, really big…almost certainly too big. Why do we even have spiders this big?

2. You’re still a spider.

3. If I had to kill you, you would make a HUGE mess.

Ceiling Spider (Pros):

1. You have no pros. Actually, I should erase that “1” because I don’t even want you to believe you have any pro qualities.

Ceiling Spider (Cons):

1. You’re TOTALLY trespassing.

2. You aren’t very good at hanging onto the ceiling; one time your kinfolk fell off of it (and onto my bed) when fiancé came home and shut the door. Get some membranous pads, already!

3. You’re super-fast…and you take off unexpectedly...and then dart this way and that...

In writing down this list I realized that I HATE bugs/crawling things (and yes, I realize spiders are not technically bugs…so arachnids) that are UNPREDICTABLE. Included: Mosquito hawks, particularly ambitious bees, and really dumb moths around light fixtures.

I know what that tarantula is going to do, where it is headed and that it probably won’t bite me. You, ceiling spider, have not earned my trust. Your legs carry you faster than my eyes can track. And for that, you lose; nothing about you is “okay”.


  1. Sweet mama spider haterFriday, July 16, 2010

    good god woman. you should warn us before posting pictures of big, hairy ugly spiders.

  2. Love this. You are a hoot. You know, Cinderella could get the spiders to work for her - maybe you need more practice. I bet webs are great for picking up cat hair - maybe you can train them to keep the couch clean.

    Thanks for giving me a little dose of you!