Sunday, July 11, 2010

Squirrels are Totally Greedy...and Ungrateful.

I like squirrels, I do. I stop on trails to watch them chomp on acorns or walnuts. I put birdseed on the ground so they can eat freely without having to come up with creative and death-defying ways to get to the hanging birdfeeder. I risked Matt’s life once to stop on a dime, narrowly avoiding slaughtering a kamikaze squirrel with my car (Matt was faced backward at the time reaching for my purse). Um, thanks honey.

I’ve defended squirrels when people called them “tree rats”.

Me: "Actually, they are cleaner than your average sewer rat. They are gregarious and have complex communication...blah blah blah."

You: Bored.

But now, things have changed. Why? Because I've learned an upsetting truth about squirrels: They are hella greedy and ungrateful.

Example 1:

This squirrel was casually eating the birdseed on my balcony. Above him you will see a fuchsia plant, purchased two years ago at CVS Pharmacy.

I witnessed him stand up on hind legs, pluck a flower from the newly-blossomed plant, suck out the nectar and dispose of it. As he reached for another, I scared him away.

Dear squirrel, my plant is not your dessert.

Example 2:

You shouldn’t store birdseed in your house. It is not up to FDA standards as it is not made for human consumption and can contain pests such as pantry moths. We found that out the hard way.

In case you’re wondering if squirrels can chew through 1/8 inch of hard plastic….

...yes they can. And the kicker: there was fresh birdseed on the ground.
Greed may be a survival instinct, but this was just unnecessary. How many seeds can you hoard?

Yet, I am a squirrel codependent and so what do I do? Nothing. That's right, just relax.

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