This ½ mile is home to what I can only guess is a population of 5,000 people and nearly 30 apartment complexes – definitely not your suburban sprawl.
There are 35 driveways, poorly marked, and it seems to me that those who enter this street have no idea where they are going as they brake sporadically or travel at 10-16 mph, driving me insane.
I have prepared a map of my street (with a key) to illustrate a typical day.
1. Kamikaze squirrel crossing – drive with anticipation of smashing one of these greedy, ungrateful creatures.
2. Tweekers, from the tweeker apartments. They’re kind of twitchy.
3. “Massage parlor” – not sure WHY they need that red light in the entrance, but…
4. Creepy bridge, overgrown with foliage and I am pretty sure people are living down there. Also, someone spray painted “Watch Out for Ghostie” on the entrance to it so not going down there.
5. Possibly the worst positioned crosswalk on Earth. It’s right around a blind turn AND it is how schoolchildren get to and fro.
6. Russians in tracksuits doing what Russians in tracksuits do: Hanging out, smoking.
7. Moving truck parking spot. This apartment complex has high turnover.
8. The Party Apartments let out a steady stream of inappropriately-dressed chicks. I’m talkin’, 4” heels at 8 am. PS Your mascara is running.
9. Elks Lodge – I have seen limousines, rusty pickup trucks and everything in between pull out of here. Also a great source of traffic as it serves as the host to Election Voting, Toy Shows and Christmas kitsch sales.
10. UPS mailbox. People SLAM on the brakes when it finally comes into view over the bend in the road.
11. Another poorly-placed crosswalk. Seriously, I am surprised no one has been killed.
Welcome to my street! Want to come over for a visit?
P.S. Yes, I used Google Maps to draw this. You're welcome.